So this post might be long(I'm wordy and can't help it) and with "feminine" details you could care less about, and many will just skip past it, which I am totally okay with. Also some might think it is to gain sympathy. But I mainly write this post becuase it is posts like these that have really helped me and it honestly is a bit theraputic for me. I promised a post about my surprise surgery/ER visit- so here it is, along with some history.
My surgery was to remove an ovarian cyst that had ruptured. I knew I had the cyst and was scheduled to have it removed- however I guess my cyst was sick of waiting so it ruptured. So how did I get these cysts, who knows? But I've had some for the few years. I found out about them at an appointment about a two years ago. What promoted this initial visit- in a nutshell- INFERTILITY.
Chris and I have been married for over five years and we have always wanted kids and looked forward to that day. As a teenager I always assumed that by my age (26) I would have 1-2 kids. I even remember writing in a time capsle with my 5 best friends our senior year in high school about where were would be in five years, We all wrote that I would be married and have kids. Well too bad life can't be exactly how we imagined it. So over two years ago Chris and I started really trying to start our family.
Here is our journey thus far on the infertility roller coaster:
After some time it wasn't happening and on top of that my cycle was.... WHACK! I would go 80 days between a cycle... then 20, then 60 to 35, to 40. I finally scheduled an appointment to see an OB. She was a sweet lady but she could not see why at my age (24 then) I was so worried about not getting pregnant. "You're still so young," she said and also the world. But I had been married 3 years and was ready to be a mom. It's not like I was some naive 19 year old, who after watching 16 and pregnant on MTV, thought it would be cool to have a baby. So all I left with that appointment was a pat on the back and some medicine to start my cycle (since it had been 60 days).
More time passed and well...no baby. I started tracking everything to help me better predict my wild cycles. I scheduled another appointment with a new OB. This one was much more sympathetic. He was as helpful as he could be and ordered as many tests as he could to see why I might not be getting pregnant. Well all came back normal, except for my ultrasound which showed a small ovarian cyst. Now cyst are fairly normal and only are a concern if they get really large- so my doctor said we'd watch them. My doctor informed me that he could only do so much before it would fall under the fertility department. I asked if he could give me even just Clomid...but nope. So he gave me the number to call.
I made the call to the fertility department... BAD NEWS. In this healthcare group you can only see fertility doctors if you have coverage. They won't even let you walk in thier doors and pay out of pocket without it. So I asked to be switched to that insurance plan that covered infertility. More BAD NEWS... the only way to get that coverage is through working at some large corporation who has insurance coverage. There are no individual plans for that.
SO what do I do.. i research any infertility clinics in my area. At this point I know EVERYTHING will have to be out of pocket. I finally found the cheapest, and closest place. My first appointment was pretty much a consultation. The only new information I got was that she believed one of my cysts was an endometrioma (which cam be more problem-some) but told me to just have my doctor keep an eye on it. She said there are lots of routes for infertility but since I was paying out of pocket she was going to try just the low-cost things first. So she gave me 6 month prescription of Clomid (which induces ovulation). She was pretty positive that this might work since I was young and healthy.
Well each month went by with the usual cycle of excited hopefulness with crushing results. By the 5th month I learned not even to get my hopes up (which is pretty sad and pessimistic). Well the Clomid worked, meaning I ovulated, but no pregnancies after 6 months. Back to square one.
Just as I am about to make another appointment with my infertility doctor, who told me the next step would be IVF (in-vitro fertilization). I get a call from my OB- he told me that one of the cyst (that were checked every 3 months) had grown to the size of a baseball. He wanted to remove it because if left untreated it could ultimately cause loss of an ovary. So I was scheduled a month out for surgery. In the mean time I was given Lupron to hopefully stop the growth of my cyst before my surgery. But Lupron has MENOPAUSE-like symptoms. I'm talking hot flashes, night sweats, headaches, and moodiness. (My mom appreciated having someone to relate to- who would have thought it would have been her twenty-something daughter).
One night while on vacation in Newport Beach, I went to use the bathroom and afterward I got cramps. I thought they would pass, like usual, in a minute. They didn't...they got worse. We had friends with us too at this time. So not wanting to make a scene I quietly called for Chris. Of course he couldn't hear me, so I had to call louder. By that point he, along with our friends (Crismon's) came running into the bathroom. At that point it escalated fast. My pain got worse and worse, my whole body went rigid, which made it a bit hard to breathe. This freaked me out-so I think I had a mini panic attack. I threw up a few times and there was NO position in which I could relax and feel comfortable. Finally after an hour of thinking it would pass- I gave up and told Chris to take me to the ER.
To make a long story short, lots of IV's, pain killers, 1 x-ray, CT-scan, and ultrasound later they discovered it was my cyst that ruptured. Unfortunately there is no sure way to see exactly what is going on in there without putting a scope in. So going into surgery they told me that they thought my ovary was twisted and if so, sometimes when they untwist it the blood will not flow back in the and ovary will be DEAD. Cue the freaking out inside my head. So now I don't just have some infertility problems but I will be down an ovary! Well... finally some GOOD news: In surgery they found that it was only my ruptured Cyst (which was an endometrioma) and no ovary torsion.
So here I am now... They told me after my surgery that they also found out that one of my tubes seems to be blocked. This is probably a major reason why it has been difficult to get pregnant, on top of other things. I have a post-op appointment in a week where hopefully I can receive some more answers and what my next steps will be. However, after reading some information it seems like IVF might be our next step.
Lessons Learned:
There have been lots of lessons learned during this process and I am sure there will be many more. I have learned to be patient and understand the Lord's timing. I know that there are many experiences that I would never had had if I had children, and I am sure the Lord planned it that way. I have learned to be more sympathetic, especially to those who are struggling with similar circumstances. I get emotional every time I hear anything about others who face infertility. I have learned to pray more earnestly. I have realized that answers to prayers come in many ways. For example, the Lord has not blessed us with children yet, but he has given me patience, optimism and kept me busy so I don't just dwell on being child-less. I know for many this can be an overwhelming and majorly depressing thing. Don't get me wrong, its been real tough, but I realized that the Lord has blessed me tremendously by helping me through it without bitterness. I have learned not to compare myself to others. I still struggle sometimes seeing younger girls getting pregnant or couples that have only be married a year having their first child. But I have learned that I am not them and they are not me- so it doesn't matter. I have learned to turn to others for help, guidance, and support and to let people in. I have learned to still have fun and enjoy time with others, even when the conversations turn to kids and mothering. I just see this as my mentoring sessions, so I can learn as much as possible before I am a mom. I have been able to form stronger relationships with some because we are able to relate our infertility "woes", my mom included. There are countless other lessons.
If you have made it this far I want you to know that I write this long post to maybe help those in similar situations. There have been others who, through their blogs, has helped me cope. If you have any questions, I am more than happy to answer them. I have learned not to be embarrassed or secretive about these issues. I love to expand my network of those facing infertility!
I KNOW that Chris and I will someday be blessed with children, whether
through natural means, IVF, or even adoption. I never doubt that and am
ever hopeful.
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